What Michael Means to Me

by Larry Roth

Preparing for Michael’s funeral was probably the most difficult task of my entire life. As soon as I found him dead, I knew I wanted to tell his story… share with you all what he means to me. But I struggled with what to say. Finally I realized that I was trying to make this all make sense. Trying to make it logical, reasonable…

If Michael was here, he would tell me to stop trying. That it would never make sense.

Just experience it…

Who He Was

And that is what this is about. To remember Michael, remember the good times, remember the bad times. You may feel like laughing, that’s OK, he loved to laugh. You may feel like crying, that’s OK too. Feel what you feel, and remember what you remember…

God created Michael, as a special beautiful person. He took part of me, and part of Nora, and made something unique and wonderful, someone better than either of us… And today we in a sense return Michael to God, appreciating the gift of his life, but so much missing him…

When I lost Michael, I lost a major piece of my world. He was not only my son; he was my mentor, helper, and friend.

As one of my friends wrote to me the day after his death: “You have lost the most precious earthly friend of your life. Michael was your soul mate, your mental DNA. You two clicked. He understood you like nobody else…”

He was a perfect friend, completely accepting and supportive, while still keeping me honest. His keeping me honest often took the form of teasing… One of his favorite phrases to use for this was “How’s that working out for you?” – Which meant he had caught me again, in one of my weaknesses… And was just giving me a hint.

In actual fact, the teasing went both ways, and often stretched on to trading insult after insult… All made up on the fly, and building on our current activity and what the last one had said. And when we paused for a moment he would often say “You know, if people didn’t actually understand us, they might think we didn’t like each other!” Followed by a big grin.

We could do that, because we both knew with complete confidence that we had each other’s back. We both supported each other, and had a high degree of honesty and openness between us, considering we were parent and child.

Michael was the smartest person I have ever interacted with. I have no doubt of that. And there was an interesting pattern to our lives that shows this. Time after time I would introduce him to something, only to have him turn around and be better than me in no time at all. Watch for it!

He told me once that his friends compared him to Sheldon, the character from Big Bang Theory. I assume this was because Michael knew something, and often more than anyone else in the room, about almost any subject that came up. But this was where the similarity ended, because unlike Sheldon, he was warm, caring, and empathetic.

He always cared about my goals, and what I was interested in. And he was always supportive and helpful, except when he did not approve of a goal, as for example if I was attempting to achieve some goal by being manipulative or distorting the truth. He would gently point out the flaw in my methods, and help me come up with a better way.

This was one of the ways he was my mentor. He also helped me see things from the other person’s point of view, to understand what they needed, and to come up with a win-win solution that would benefit both parties. He was an excellent negotiator, able to move quickly over a wide range of possibilities to find the solution. He described to me how when he was in a negotiating situation he would first listen to the other person, to make sure he understood what they wanted before he tried to craft a mutually acceptable solution…

As you can see, he was wise, intuitive, and insightful in understanding people. And he would also ask me for advice. We spent many happy hours discussing goals and strategies for each of us. Of course, since it was Michael, these goals and strategies would often divert into esoteric or unusual places (just for fun) until one or the other of us brought them back on track…

I always enjoyed him, and knew he was not only smart, but good with people. But one of the first times I remember seeing that was when he got his first car, and wanted to upgrade the stereo. I went with him to go stereo shopping. It completely amazed me to see him take over, discuss the merits of the different options, and negotiate package deals with the sales people.

Let me tell you a few stories about him…

Laser Project

The first thing I will tell you about is his work on a laser programming project. This was probably his greatest earthly technical accomplishment, as well as something that made me very proud. You see, it was a project I worked on for about ten years, and then passed on to him. It was my greatest technical project so far, and as a father it made me proud to see him carry it on.

He had been involved with the project from the start, by watching me and asking questions. His natural intelligence and engineering bent, coupled with his curiosity, helped him learn a lot. After he was in college taking engineering classes, I would often talk to him about technical challenges I was having, and brainstorming with him was always helpful.

So he was well equipped when we needed someone to take over, because he already knew of many of the goals and challenges of the project. It was written in C++, which was a language he had never used before, but he picked that up in a surprisingly short time. Well, not actually surprising, if you knew him and his abilities…

He took this on as a summer project, and completed an entire new version by the end of the summer. It was amazing to see what he accomplished. It was the best set of documentation that product had ever had, and he had cleaned up and improved so many things that I had done. So in addition to adding new features, he had improved so much of what was already there.

And he did it all with such a spirit of caring. For those of you who don’t know, this was programming a medical device, and mistakes could actually damage patients. He took this responsibility very seriously, and was meticulous not only in his design, but in his testing. He went to great lengths to prevent every possible error, and tested everything thoroughly. I well remember at the end of the summer, when he and I were staying late to perform the final validation test. The system had to pass the entire test plan perfectly. I think we only discovered one problem, but it meant we had to start over and redo the entire test after fixing it.

As a former computer science teacher, and as a practicing software engineer for many years, I pride myself in not only producing good quality work, but in recognizing it when I see it. And I can say (very objectively of course) that the code he produced for this project was the best code I have ever seen. It was best in readability and style, as well as the best in being clear, direct, and completely solving the problem at hand. And the documentation of the system was also first rate, and well over 100 pages, in addition to all the code.

He truly “came of age” that summer as a software engineer! And yes, he outdid me, both in quality and quantity. Which did not surprise me, except by how much superior he was!

Later he began work on the next version, which not only added features, it ran on completely new hardware. And I don’t mean just a new computer, but all the devices and mechanisms the software controlled had also been changed. There was even a fundamental change in how the software and hardware operated at its core. And changes like that can have profound effects on the overall system. Of course, he managed all that…

There was a time for several weeks when he was struggling with a “timing problem.” It was minor, didn’t seem to have any actual effect on the operation of the system… just that something was off by a few microseconds somewhere… I remember discussing it with him, and advising him to just ignore it, that it was probably just a “rounding error” or something similar.

But he wouldn’t leave it alone, because he knew something was wrong, and that would never do in a system this important, that he designed. He worked on this problem on and off for several weeks, eventually getting down to timing all the little pieces of the problem. And he finally completely understood the problem. It was indeed a form of “rounding error”—because of the number of things he was processing simultaneously, he couldn’t check the timing often enough to keep things exactly right…

But understanding the problem as only the first step. He went on to improve the design so he could check the timing often enough. I still remember him calling me that evening, and describing how he had solved the problem. It was a most ingenious solution. He was clearly proud of himself for getting it exactly right, and I was even prouder to see my son perform so well.

The difference was subtle, but yes, if you paid attention you could hear the difference in how the system sounded as it operated. Before there was an occasional glitch in the sound, and now it was all smooth. Correct. Perfect.

Yes he exceeded me in every way. And I couldn’t have been prouder!

Assembly Language Project

Another of his accomplishments happened with a school project. He was in a class in assembly language programming, and the teacher gave them a description of the final project, which was due in a few weeks. It was not a trivial project. Jokingly, the teacher said “If any of you get it done by tomorrow, you will get an A in the course.”

Michael loved doing impossible things, and as he looked around the room he caught the eye of another classmate, and somehow without a word they made the commitment “let’s do it!” That was how he got to know Brandon, who became his roommate until Brandon graduated.

They went off and started to work. They spent 8 hours planning and designing, 2 hours coding, and 1 hour testing and debugging. Yes, it took them all night, but in the morning they turned in a complete project. Working and correct.

Later that day he told me the story and sent me the code to look at. It was a clear, direct solution to the problem. Very understandable, documented with good comments, and just amazing quality for something done so quickly.

He and I talked about how that was the right way to do things, plan and design it first, before coding. I have found this to be true in my experience, and he found the same thing. One of his sayings was “When you are in a hurry, make a list!”

He always thought before starting a project, thought it all through and designed the best solution. I saw this again when he laid out a new circuit board for the laser project. Simple, direct, neat, and efficient.

Brandon became his best friend, and not only did they do many engineering projects together, they went hiking, rock climbing, camping, and many other activities.

Unicycles and Juggling

I learned to ride a unicycle when I was young, it was one of those crazy unusual things that I liked to do. And as Michael was growing up I still had one, and would occasionally ride it. Of course, as soon as he was tall enough to reach the pedals, Michael wanted to learn too.

Riding a unicycle is not an easy task for anyone, but he put in the hours of practice, and soon was able to ride well. That was always enough for me, just be able to ride it reliably. But of course Michael wanted to excel, to do more.

He first took on “off road” unicycling. Which means he was riding on logging roads, over bumps, through ditches, and so on. Up and down steep hills… It amazed me…

Then he took up learning tricks. The unicycle community has defined 10 skill levels of riding. Basic riding (like I could do) was level 1… or maybe 2. Then there were added tricks, staying in one spot, riding with one foot, backwards, walking the wheel, and on and on…

Michael completed through level 7, and was working on tricks for levels 8, 9, and 10.

And somewhere along the line I taught him how to juggle 3 balls. And from that start he went on to 4, then 5… And not just balls, he learned to juggle clubs, and rings. He went to juggling groups, and he and another person would regularly juggle 7 clubs between them. And he was often juggling in groups of 3, 4, or 5… with constantly changing patterns.

And occasionally he would juggle burning torches…

Twin Pendulum Project

I told you already that Michael was studying Electrical Engineering, and one of the classic problems that EE’s have to solve is the Twin Pendulum project. This is an example of feedback and control in action.

Here is the problem. You have two sticks, a short one and a long one. And you stand them on end and have to make a machine balance them. You have probably balanced a stick on your hand before, and know that a long stick is easier to balance than a short one, because the short one reacts faster.

But this problem is not just balancing one stick at a time, its balancing them both on the same hand, and moving your hand in such a way that they both balance. Despite the fact that they react differently, and may in fact be moving in opposite directions at the same time… (for the technical among you, for the engineering problem its reduced to 2 dimensions instead of three…)

Well, the apparatus to do this is well defined; the student’s problem is to write a program that controls the movement of the base such that the two sticks balance.

One of the additional variables in this problem is that they rebuild the apparatus every few years, and this year was a new version. And even though the problem is the same, even slight variations in the hardware and mechanics can make the problem different, and often harder.

So this year, no one could make it work. Not even the teacher!

Michael backed off and took a different approach. One that I recall involved some fairly complex analysis and mathematics. I wish I was an engineer with the mathematical sophistication to actually understand what he did. He did explain it to me, and to his credit he put it in terms and analogies that I could actually understand, at the time…

Oh, and yes, he did succeed in making it work… The ONLY person who made it that year.

Music – Guitar Playing with Him…

Music was important to Michael. He took piano lessons and learned music theory when he was a kid. And then he borrowed my guitar and started taking lessons. No surprise, he was shortly playing better than me… He learned classical guitar, and whatever we ordinary guitar players play also.

It became one of his main creative outlets. He purchased several wonderful guitars (which sadly are now mine…) He took up electric guitar and carefully selected amplifiers, speakers, and effects pedals. He and I used to tease each other about how much we spent on pedals…

He and I used to play together. Of course he was better than me, but in addition we always seemed to have problems keeping it together one way or another…

He explained it to me recently. He said “I get the rhythm exactly right, and you get the notes exactly right…” Which if you think about it explains why we didn’t do well together…

But we enjoyed it. Sometimes one of us would play and the other listen, and sometimes we would try to do things together. I was always the limiting factor in the difficulty of what we could even try. We were both learning to do better though… and sometimes we actually sounded quite good!

We did have dreams of performing together, which sadly never came true. We were both shy and afraid to perform, especially sing, in public. We were both trying to encourage each other to perform at “open mic” as a way to get started, and our plan was that after we were both good at solo performing maybe we would try it together.

We had it scheduled, that the very next Thursday I was going to be the first to perform at open mic. Unfortunately he died on Wednesday…

Those were special times, just he and I playing together. Times when we exercised our creative sides instead of the engineering. And we would tease each other as well, about our mistakes, and any other things we could throw in… Improvisational comedy…. We used to wonder if we would be able to do that in front of a live audience…

“Is there anything I can help you with?”

That was a phrase that Michael often used. He almost always asked that before leaving.

Sometimes he would vary it, “Is there anything you need to talk about?” And with me it was often “What’s going on at work?” Which was an invitation to tell him what things I was having problems with. And whether it was people problems or technical problems, he would discuss anything with complete attention and empathy.

Sometimes the conversations would last for hours, as we looked at issue after issue, from every viewpoint imaginable, until we had exhausted them all. And yes, at least one and usually both of us would take diversionary side trips into the absurd and ridiculous. Though strangely these often provided not only the relaxation of laughter and diversion, but also often new insights…

He expressed his philosophy of life succinctly in one sentence in an email: “I discovered that my most central basic belief or purpose is that I want to do anything I can to help and improve the lives of everyone I meet”

Raking Leaves...

A few weeks before his death, I decided I should rake the leaves in the backyard. Michael was living with me, so of course he offered to come out and help. He claimed to have never raked leaves before, and that is possibly true. But he entered into it with his usual energy and enthusiasm. Asking a few questions to make sure he was doing it right.

I just had the goal of getting most of the leaves off the lawn, but his perfectionism took over, and he was carefully getting every leaf…

We talked together about many things, as we always did when we were together. I can’t remember what we talked about that day, but I know it was a combination of humor, teasing, and serious discussions. It probably included discussing his going back to college, and whether or not he was ready for that. It was a pleasant afternoon we spent together.

I do remember him talking about how important, and health producing physical labor like this was. We talked about not only the physical benefits of the exercise, but the mental benefits of doing something useful but mundane… How seemingly “mindless” activity like raking leaves could contribute to clarity of thinking and purpose.

Recent Projects... and Plans...

Michael and I loved to work on projects together. We both sometimes had trouble getting ourselves started on things, even when we wanted to do them. But when we could work together the synergy of our relationship energized us. I remember many things we did in the last few months of his life…

I had been invited to give a presentation to the local writers group about Creativity. Michael and I spent hours working on that project together. He went over my notes and illustrations and contributed much to the project. I can remember him helping me consider how things sounded from the audience’s point of view, and helping me come up with illustrations and exercises to use. Often he would critique down to the specific word I should use in a particular story or point I was making.

We included illustrations from art, writing, and software engineering, all the while trying to make sure what we said could be meaningful to an audience that might not be familiar with the subject.

He also came to the presentation, and volunteered to introduce me as the speaker (which was a surprise to me…) His introduction combined humor and his personality, and also he said some amazingly nice things about me. It was very much a public expression of our relationship.

As I told you, Michael was very much into playing music, and part of his equipment included a used speaker cabinet he had purchased. For one of our projects we took the entire cabinet apart, cleaned it and repaired a few minor problems, and repainted the parts that needed painting. He and I were both very proud of how it looked at the end.

And after that success we painted part of his favorite amplifier to look more personalized and custom. (You can see that amplifier project in the pictures of his treasures from the funeral.)

One of the last projects we did together was figuring out the wiring for an old Leslie rotating speaker from an old organ. It was a piece of junk I bought without really knowing what I was going to do with it, and when Michael first saw it, he laughed at me for purchasing it. But one day we set out to figure it out. He, being the electrical engineer, took the lead on it, and between his inspecting it, and doing a little bit of research on the internet, he soon had a wiring diagram figured out to make it operate.

We made a trip to Radio Shack to buy a few parts, and a few hours later we had constructed a control box for it. And Michael loved it. He spent hours playing his guitar through it, at varying speeds, and varying tones. It was beautiful what he could do with it…

We designed a proper cabinet for it, so it could actually be used in a public performance. But sadly, we never got to building it. It still sits unfinished in my garage…

A few years before he and I spent many hours installing a stereo in his car. We not only installed it, we added all sorts of sound deadening material to it the car, which included removing the entire interior of the car, and wired everything together with premium components. It occupied much of our spare time one entire summer, and never got quite finished, but it sounded wonderful.

Working on projects with Michael are some of my favorite memories of him. We always had excellent conversations as we worked…

Creativity and Seeing Reality

Michael believed that training and experience in art was essential. He took classes in painting and drawing, and while he readily admitted these were outside his comfort zone, he thought that was important.

Art was another subject we discussed at length. Especially the importance of learning to SEE! Really see what was in front of you. To see what it really looked like. This was to him one of the most important parts of art…

I think it coincided with his love of truth. Truth for Michael was what you could see, reality, as best you could perceive it. It wasn’t what you were taught, or even what you believed, it was what was really there. And art was one way of experiencing that.

He also worked on music projects. He was an accomplished guitar player, and spent hours practicing. Not just practicing songs, but doing drills to get to be a better player. And he wrote music. Sadly, many of his songs will probably never be heard...

He had a song list all planned for his first CD. The name was going to be “Vacant Stair” – a typical example of his clever use of words in a multi-dimensional way. He had a logo designed, and was working on artwork for it. And the songs were all planned, and mostly written. He was also collecting ideas for his second CD…

From what I know, it would have been insightful, and sometimes painfully true…

Motorcycle and Trips

One summer Michael and I decided to get our motorcycle licenses. So we went to motorcycle school together. It was a fun couple of days together, learning the rules, and learning to ride. I can remember one of those days he and I were sitting in the parking lot, eating lunch on a beautiful sunny day. Our lunch was tortillas and a can of baked beans. We tore the tortillas into strips, and used them to dip out the beans. It was his idea; he said it was one of his favorite meals. (He was in college and used to feeding himself in creative ways.)

We both passed the class, and got our licenses, so now it was time to get motorcycles. Michael, in typical fashion, did a great deal of research and thought into this purchase. We looked at many motorcycles, but once he saw the BMW’s he had picked out that brand…

So one day we headed to the dealer to buy a motorcycle or two. I also liked BMW motorcycles, though I had not made up my mind yet… And so we decided to test drive a couple…

Now, those of you who know me realize I am not excessively tall… and if you think about it, it is kind of important to be able to reach clear down to the ground with your feet when you are on a motorcycle… Just keep that in mind, and also realize that a BMW motorcycle is designed for someone who is at least 4 inches taller than me… But this story is not really about me…

We each got a motorcycle to ride, and rode a few times around the parking lot getting the feel of them. They were wonderful, so we headed out to do some street riding. Just as we were making the turn, I dropped the brand new expensive motorcycle…

No one was hurt, but the motorcycle was scratched. Michael reacted in typically empathetic way, being concerned that I was all right, and worried over the damaged bike…

He also showed his strength, because we pulled things together and did end up buying him a motorcycle that day. He had fallen in love with one particular bike, and we got that one. By the time we were done with the paperwork it was getting dark, and we still had to get his bike home. So we set out, on back roads, since in actual fact he had almost no experience riding other than in parking lots and training tracks.

It was a long ride home, took at least 2 hours. I followed in the car all the way. And the next day he insisted that I ride his new bike, even though the last time I had ridden, I dropped it. That was how much he cared about me…

A while later I also found a bike that suited me. And as he and I worked it out, I bought his bike for him, and he bought mine for me. He used to tell me I needed a long black cape to wear while I was riding… to this day I don’t have any idea what that means or where it came from, but it makes me smile!

He loved to take motorcycle trips, and took a couple of long ones. The first was not long after he got his bike. I remember him leaving with all sorts of gear lashed on to the bike. He preferred to camp, so had all his camping equipment along with him. That first trip he went to Utah, visiting Arches, and Zion, and also visited his grandparents in southern California.

On his second trip he was gone for several weeks, and made it all the way to Atlanta to visit his sister, Julie.

He liked to ride alone. I remember him describing the beauty of riding in the early morning as the sun came up. He also explained that the reason he was up so early was because “you can’t sleep anyway” when you are camping…

Some highlights of his trips were hiking to Delicate Arch, which was a place he had wanted to go to since he first saw a picture of it as a child. He also climbed Angel’s Landing in Zion, which is something of a family tradition, going back 3 generations. And as I also discovered in looking at his pictures later he visited 4 corners.

One of his goals was to do a 1000 mile day on his motorcycle.

Who He is to Me...

Beyond all the stories, what is really important is who Michael is to me. He was sensitive and empathetic, which meant that his relationship to each person was unique.

One of my favorite memories is actually time that he and I spent in the hospital a few years ago. There was a time period of many days when he had to stay in the hospital. Nothing much was happening, we were just supporting him medically until his body kicked back into gear and got going again.

As it happened, I was able to be with him during this time almost 24/7. We woke up together in the morning, went for walks around the hospital, and talked. Just the two of us. It was a wonderful time to just connect, and make the best of the situation. So we talked. A lot. Neither of us watched TV, sometimes we read. Sometimes we were quiet, but mostly we talked. About the future and the past, ideas, science, art, philosophy, religion, truth… I don’t think we left any important topics untouched. And at night we would say good night and go to sleep, he in his hospital bed, and me in the chair that folded down into a bed…

I wouldn’t trade those times for anything…

Everyone who knew Michael knew he had a sense of humor. And a sense of humor combined with intelligence… Well, let’s just say you had to pay attention if you wanted to keep up! He loved puns, and plays on words. And his humor was often multi-level, building one joke upon another, replacing puns with synonyms, and then building on that…

I won’t try to explain it, but one of the jokes had the punch line “because he was a little purple cow…” Everyone else used to roll their eyes at that one… but he and I thought it was hilarious!

He teased me incessantly. And it was pointed, because he knew me so well he knew all my weaknesses.

And yes, he understood me. He knew my weaknesses and encouraged me to be better. He was not afraid to tell me I was wrong, whether that was in a technical area, or in how I was relating to other people. And he did it gently, with just what I needed to understand to correct it.

And he knew my strengths. When I was brainstorming with him for what to do in some situation, he would say something like: “Why don’t you try… You are good at that kind of thing. Just make it up as you go along…”

Most importantly he loved me and supported me unconditionally. Even if I was not doing what he thought I should be, he loved and supported me.

He loved words. Here is one of his paragraphs:

"And of course the past couple years of my life contain many entertaining events entirely expected to be expertly expounded and esoterically expanded into epic expositions of exceptional eccentricity and exponentially expanding excitement. Sometimes my alliteration gets carried away, I think what I meant was: I have started to, and plan to continue, writing some of them down."

He also wrote amazing emails. Here is the opening paragraph from one of his emails:

“So there I was armed only with my wits, a shovel, and a selection of toaster pastries, once again facing my nemesis of old….”

Here is another one. Especially notice the last sentence, where he takes it to another level…

"Nothing urgent here (unless you count that I'm in a burning building, armed with only a pipe-wrench, trying desperately to fix a leaky-faucet before I die of smoke inhalation (although knowing me, I probably just made that up)... which just leaves the question: Who would the joke be on if it actually WAS true?"

He was a help to me, in so many ways. He was great to talk to about technical problems because he could always think of new points, new approaches, or some detail I forgot.

He had a deep commitment to treating everyone right, paying attention to all points of view, and working out a win-win solution to all problems. This made him a great one to talk to about specific management issues, or management philosophy in general. We often talked about the differences between being the boss, and being a leader—and when each was the appropriate solution.

He was in so many ways my best friend, my helper, my encourager, and my critic. He made me a better person. And sadly, my efforts to describe him fall far short of reality…

The bottom line is, he loved me unconditionally and I loved him. That was never questioned…

The End...

A few weeks before his death, when it was time to go to bed, I realized he was very upset. I didn’t know about what, and I still don’t completely… but he was… He and I stayed up talking until 2 or 3 am, until he could go to sleep… A day or so later, he wrote me a nice note apologizing, and thanking me for my support. He signed off with the phrase:

“I will be OK, someday…”

I believe him. I believe that somehow, some day, God will set things right. And in a beautiful place, where there is no more pain, or sorrow, or crying, Michael and I will sit together again and talk and laugh and share…